Week 9: Anger, Agency, and Repair Attempts

I have been thrilled to learn about repair attempts this semester. Dr. John Gottman describes repair attempts as a "Happy couple's secret weapon". A repair attempt is a way in which a couple tries to put the brakes on an argument, and allows the couple to remember that they like each other as well as love each other. 

Since learning about this concept, I have been aware of the repair attempts that go on in my own marriage. For years I have been telling my husband that he drives me nuts, because I can't ever stay mad at him. He has a way of making me laugh which then makes me forget why I was mad to begin with. I remember how much fun he is and why I fell in love with him to begin with. I used to get frustrated (in a cute way) by this. Now I realize that is his repair method. I have come to love it dearly. It's a good reminder that a lot of times our frustrations just don't matter. What matters is our relationship with our spouse. 

I have noticed that my repair attempts are physical. When I sense his frustrations rising, I like to grab his hand, scratch his head, or give him a hug. I never realized that that's what I was doing. I love having a name for our de-escalation techniques.  

I have come to realize that repair attempts are crucial in a marriage. Not only to have them, but also to be receptive to your partner's attempts. It's a subtle way to say, "I love you, and you are more important than this problem." It reminds me of the quote from President Monson, "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

I think repair attempts also go right along with the spiritual study we did this week on anger and forgiveness. A repair attempt is one way to keep the anger at bay. Nothing good comes from anger. In Elder Robbins talk, "Agency and Anger", he says, "Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but is almost always counterproductive."  A repair attempt helps problem solving stay productive. It also becomes a way to say "I'm sorry" or gives an opportunity to forgive.