Week 13 In laws

Jacob 2:18 "But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God"

I love how this scripture ties both topics from the week together. In-laws relationships and family finances. We know that families can be forever. I like the reminder that that also includes our in-law relationships. I feel so blessed, because I have amazing in-laws that I love dearly. I feel that they were very supportive of my husband and I creating our own family, yet were always there for love and support. I didn't even know that my husband and I would need to create boundaries with our families when we were first married. Having in-laws that understood that was instrumental in us becoming our own family. I am so thankful for that. 

In the Harper and Oleson reading, "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family" we learn about ways in which a woman can improve her bonds with her mother-in-law. Spending quality time together was one of those tips. I have found that I love spending time with my mother-in-law so much that I find excuses to get to do it. We only see them about 3 times a year. When we do see them, I am eager at the chance to cook with her, shop with her, or go to lunch with her. It truly has been in those moments that we have created our own relationship and bonded. 

This lesson was also about money habits. I love the study of behavior, so I was truly fascinated by the birth-order theory regarding money in the book, "Till Debt do us Part". I am a last born, and my husband is a first born. Poduska suggests that first borns are very conservative with their money. They like to be in control of the finances. They are the ones who make the budget and makes sure everyone sticks to it. Well, this is not the case with my husband. He couldn't care less about a budget and cringes if I bring it up. He is not a conservative saver, but is a spender. Poduska says that last born children are impulsive with money and don't like to be controlled by a budget. This is somewhat true for me as a last born, although I LOVE budgets. I would like to understand more about if Poduska thinks family rules trump birth order. My guess is yes. My guess is that my husband and I learned more from the "money rules" of our family than were engrained in us from birth order. 

Does Poduska's birth order theory match for you and your spouse? Or do you find that you get your financial habits from your family rules?

Week 12 Order and Unity

My thoughts this week revolve around order. Our church is a church of order. The gospel is a gospel of order. Our homes and families can be homes and families in order. 

I went to the temple today. I was so overwhelmed with the feeling of peace there. I wanted to find ways to make my home feel more like the temple. I started thinking about how and why the temple feels that way. Obviously the temple is the House of the Lord, but I think our homes can have a similar feeling. The characteristics of the temple that I considered centered around order. The temple is clean and free of clutter and unnecessary items. The processes of the temple are clear. We know what to expect in the temple. Directions are clear. There is love and support in the temple. There is equality in the temple. There is unity in the temple. 

The temples don't just get to be that way. There are councils held quite often, I imagine, where policies and procedures are reviewed and staff is briefed and trained. I think if we want to make our homes like the temples we need to be doing the same thing. Councils are critical to the success of the church. The same is true for our families. We have to be willing to have weekly couple's councils and weekly family councils. It's a great time to see how everyone is doing, how procedures and policies are working, and find ways to be better. 

Henry B. Eyring said in his talk, 'That We May be One', "Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony." This is why the temple feels so good. We are all united in our testimonies of Jesus Christ. We can have that in our homes. We can be unified as families. We get that unity by keeping our baptismal covenants to always remember Him and to keep His commandments. When we are united in our goals to be like Christ, we are united as a family. 

I'm not going to lie...there's a LOT of chaos in my home. We have very busy kids that are going in 3 different directions everyday of the week. Sometimes scripture study and family prayers fall by the wayside. My husband and I come together in those times and talk about what is going wrong. Why is everything going so poorly? Why is there selfishness and fighting? Where is the peace and love? It always comes back to us doing the things we are asked to do. The feeling in our home is remarkably different when we are reading our scriptures and saying family prayers. 

To summarize, I believe order is needed to maintain a spirit of peace and unity in our homes. To have order, we must be holding regular councils in our marriages and families. Prayer must be a part of our councils. We cannot do it alone. We must be united as couples, and families, to seek and do the will of the Lord. 

Week 11: Intimacy

I have so many thoughts about the study this week. I'm not really sure which direction this post is going to take. I'm just going to let the words flow from my fingertips and see what happens. 

Honestly, this is a tough week for me. I have people very close to me whose marriages have been destroyed because of infidelity, pornography, and emotional affairs. I can see how Satan works hard on couples. I truly think the unhealthy use of sexuality and intimacy is his biggest tool in destroying families. Pornography is at our fingertips, affairs are commonplace, and sex is considered to be something merely for pleasure. We need to strive diligently to keep our covenants and keep our families strong. We will not get support from the world, we must get strength and support from our Savior. 

My most important takeaway from this week is about the importance of being prepared. We KNOW Satan is going to attempt to destroy us in this way. We need to be ready and prepared to defend ourselves and our families. 

Dr. Goddard teaches of the progression of unfaithfulness. This is the process in which innocent behaviors turn to dangerous relations. Affections can grow through innocent behavior (like co-workers). Once an affection grows, it turns to "harmless" flirting, then to the relationship being declared special. At this point, opportunities are created to spend time with this special friend. Then the excuses start, the spouse becomes displaced, intimacy becomes exchanged with the special friend and faultfinding in your spouse arises. At this point, fantasies about your special friend start, and then the physical affection begins. 

When I read through Goddard's progression of unfaithfulness, I thought back to a situation I was in when I was newly married and working at a bank 15 years ago. My job was to work alongside my supervisor (a married male) in a locked vault. It was just the two of us, all day, everyday. It was an innocent situation that could have totally become dangerous. Thankfully, my husband and I had been very open with each other about spending time alone with the opposite gender. We were aware of the dangers of it and were prepared to safeguard our marriage from Satan's temptations. I spent 2 years working in this locked vault with my supervisor. It was a situation in which unfaithfulness could totally have happened, but never did. I am certain it was because we were aware and prepared. 

When I was a kid, my parents never talked about sex. Ever! I vowed to be a completely different parent to my own kids. I am very open with my children about sex and pornography. I think it is essential to be in the world we live in today.  I think the only way we can safeguard our children is by being open with them. They need to know what they are up against, so they can seek the companionship of the Holy Ghost and be worthy to make and keep sacred covenants. My family studied Matthew 11:29 this week. The Savior said, "Take my yoke upon you". We taught our children that the only way we can get through any trials in this life, big or small, is by turning to the Savior for help. 

If we are aware of Satan's tactics and we aware of how we can protect ourselves, we are prepared to go to battle with him. We have the Lord on our side, we must not forget to use Him. We cannot do it alone. 

Week 10: My Takeaways

As we conclude our study of Dr. Gottman's book and Brother Goddard's book, I find myself contemplating the main ideas of each of these books. My biggest takeaway from Dr. Gottman's book, 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' was that we can improve our relationships by turning towards, and thinking of, our spouses. My main takeaway from Brother Goddard's book, 'Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage' was that we need to turn towards the Savior to improve ourselves and our marriages. Both of these concepts go against what the world would tell us to do. The world (AKA Satan) wants us to think about ourselves. In fact, Elder Hafen teaches us about 3 wolves that can destroy a marriage. One of those wolves is excessive individualism. This wolf IS Satan's plan. He wants us to care so much about our own needs that we forget about our partner's needs and about the covenants we made with Heavenly Father. 

Dr. John Gottman describes the 7 principles for making marriage work.  They are:

1. Enhance your love maps. 

2. Nurture your fondness and admiration. 

3. Turn toward each other instead of away. 

4. Let your partner influence you. 

5. Solve your solvable problems. 

6. Overcome gridlock.  

7. Create shared meaning. 

I listed those to show that nowhere in his book does he emphasize individualism. Certainly there are things you need and want, and he doesn't say you need to sacrifice these things. But you can't have a happy, successful marriage without thinking of your spouse and their needs and working together to create a life that is yours together. 

Brother Goddard emphasizes the importance of turning to our Heavenly Father in our marriages. When we covenanted with our spouse, we also made a covenant with Him. The book, 'Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage' teaches us how to have a better marriage by making ourselves better. We need to look within and see how we can change. We can be forgiving and have charity. We can see the best in our spouse. We can only do this when we have faith and are willing to submit to our Heavenly Father's will. We can be changed by the Atonement. We can become more like our Savior. This will bless our marriage.

As I think about times in my marriage that have been miserable, I realize those are the times when I am focusing on myself. When my own individualism has become more important than being like my Savior, or thinking about my husband. When I reflect on the best times of my marriage, I think about our hard times. I think about how our trials have turned out to be blessings in our marriage. Those are the times when we truly turn to our Heavenly Father. It is when we've turned to each other and worked together to overcome obstacles. 

Week 9: Anger, Agency, and Repair Attempts

I have been thrilled to learn about repair attempts this semester. Dr. John Gottman describes repair attempts as a "Happy couple's secret weapon". A repair attempt is a way in which a couple tries to put the brakes on an argument, and allows the couple to remember that they like each other as well as love each other. 

Since learning about this concept, I have been aware of the repair attempts that go on in my own marriage. For years I have been telling my husband that he drives me nuts, because I can't ever stay mad at him. He has a way of making me laugh which then makes me forget why I was mad to begin with. I remember how much fun he is and why I fell in love with him to begin with. I used to get frustrated (in a cute way) by this. Now I realize that is his repair method. I have come to love it dearly. It's a good reminder that a lot of times our frustrations just don't matter. What matters is our relationship with our spouse. 

I have noticed that my repair attempts are physical. When I sense his frustrations rising, I like to grab his hand, scratch his head, or give him a hug. I never realized that that's what I was doing. I love having a name for our de-escalation techniques.  

I have come to realize that repair attempts are crucial in a marriage. Not only to have them, but also to be receptive to your partner's attempts. It's a subtle way to say, "I love you, and you are more important than this problem." It reminds me of the quote from President Monson, "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

I think repair attempts also go right along with the spiritual study we did this week on anger and forgiveness. A repair attempt is one way to keep the anger at bay. Nothing good comes from anger. In Elder Robbins talk, "Agency and Anger", he says, "Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but is almost always counterproductive."  A repair attempt helps problem solving stay productive. It also becomes a way to say "I'm sorry" or gives an opportunity to forgive. 

Week 8: Beware of Pride

As I read President Benson's talk, "Beware of Pride" I kept thinking about social media. My son who is 12 has recently decided that he "needs" Instagram. We have been having lots of discussions with him about why he feels he needs it. As we've discussed this with him, it's made me question myself. Why do I NEED social media? I have been reflecting on the purpose of social media. Sure, it is great to reconnect with people from your past and it's fun to see what all your friends are up to, but when I read President Benson's talk, I realized social media frequently becomes a display of pride. He says, "The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. (See D&C 3:6–7 (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.; D&C 30:1–2 (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.; D&C 60:2 (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site..) “What will men think of me?” weighs heavier than “What will God think of me?”  This quote made me think about why I post certain things on social media. I think there is a sense of pride behind almost every post. "Well, I want everyone to see that I'm taking this fabulous trip and they're stuck at home." There's so many reasons that I think lead back to pride. This quote is really going to make me ponder how, and why, I am using social media. Am I more worried about the "likes" from my friends because I'm worried about their judgement? Or am I at peace with the world's judgements and worried about God's judgement?  

Do you think it is ok to be prideful about someone else's accomplishments?  When I think about my marriage I think about how proud I am of my husband. He's such a great man and works so hard. Sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops (or social media) how proud I am of him. What are your thoughts on that?

I have seen pride destroy many families. I am currently watching one be destroyed by pride. I just want to shake these people and tell them to take a hard look at themselves. We read in the Goddard reading this week about how it's so easy to see pride in someone else and so hard to see it in ourselves. How can we help others see that they are being prideful? Is there more we can do than to pray for them?

This year I have been studying the Book of Mormon with the intent to find every reference to pride. I truly think every sin can be traced back to pride. It is a scary thing. We need to be diligent about aligning our will with God's will and worrying about His judgements and not the world's.

Creating Emotional Bonds

D&C 64:33 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

Marriage is great! Creating a life and a family together is great! Is every day going to be rainbows and unicorns? No. How do we create a great life, a great marriage, and a great family? It truly is the small and simple things that can be the difference in a great marriage and a poor marriage.

I love that this scripture advises us to "be not weary in well-doing..."  When I think about doing well, I think about service. When I think about serving others, I think about turning away from my own needs for a while and focusing on someone else's needs. Or, in other words, turning toward someone else. Making a marriage great requires turning toward your spouse. 

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work John Gottman emphasizes turning toward your spouse as one of the Seven Principles. Turning toward each other is a way in which couples connect that builds trust. I think this completely connects to the scripture in my opening. Turning toward your spouse is a simple thing you can do each day that helps build the groundwork for something great. 

We need to be aware of our spouse's "bids" for attention. I think "bidding" is kind of fun. Sometimes I am stressed or just need a little attention, so I will lean my head into my husbands cheek. When I do this he kisses me on the forehead. We have just turned to each other and found a simple way to strengthen our bond. My husband's bids aren't quite as obvious as mine. His are more subtle, but I know that when he tells me about something tough he's going through at work, it's a bid. I am careful to put down whatever can be deemed as a distraction and look at him while he vents. I usually try to find a way to help him or solve his problem. John Gottman gives advice on how to handle a spouse that is angry or frustrated. He advises that you DON'T try to solve their problem, but that you just listen and always be on their side.

I tried this the other day when my husband was venting, and it was amazing how close I felt to him. I could tell his stress was melting away just by having someone on his side. 

I want to be vigilant about working to meet my husband's bids and to fill our "emotional bank". I know that the simple gestures (Turning toward) go a long way and truly are laying a groundwork for greatness in our marriage.