Creating Emotional Bonds

D&C 64:33 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

Marriage is great! Creating a life and a family together is great! Is every day going to be rainbows and unicorns? No. How do we create a great life, a great marriage, and a great family? It truly is the small and simple things that can be the difference in a great marriage and a poor marriage.

I love that this scripture advises us to "be not weary in well-doing..."  When I think about doing well, I think about service. When I think about serving others, I think about turning away from my own needs for a while and focusing on someone else's needs. Or, in other words, turning toward someone else. Making a marriage great requires turning toward your spouse. 

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work John Gottman emphasizes turning toward your spouse as one of the Seven Principles. Turning toward each other is a way in which couples connect that builds trust. I think this completely connects to the scripture in my opening. Turning toward your spouse is a simple thing you can do each day that helps build the groundwork for something great. 

We need to be aware of our spouse's "bids" for attention. I think "bidding" is kind of fun. Sometimes I am stressed or just need a little attention, so I will lean my head into my husbands cheek. When I do this he kisses me on the forehead. We have just turned to each other and found a simple way to strengthen our bond. My husband's bids aren't quite as obvious as mine. His are more subtle, but I know that when he tells me about something tough he's going through at work, it's a bid. I am careful to put down whatever can be deemed as a distraction and look at him while he vents. I usually try to find a way to help him or solve his problem. John Gottman gives advice on how to handle a spouse that is angry or frustrated. He advises that you DON'T try to solve their problem, but that you just listen and always be on their side.

I tried this the other day when my husband was venting, and it was amazing how close I felt to him. I could tell his stress was melting away just by having someone on his side. 

I want to be vigilant about working to meet my husband's bids and to fill our "emotional bank". I know that the simple gestures (Turning toward) go a long way and truly are laying a groundwork for greatness in our marriage. 

Cherishing your spouse

As I pondered the readings this week and the challenge to see the positive in my spouse, I will admit, I was a little prideful. I thought, “Well, I already do that. I don’t focus on the negative.” It’s interesting how the Spirit can teach us and humble us if we let it.

The concept of a love-map was new and interesting to me. I found it fascinating, yet irrelevant to me. I’ve been married for 16 years, and I didn’t think there was anything I didn’t know about my husband. I was truly humbled as I read the questions in some of the activities. I am almost certain that my husband could correctly answer 99% of those about me. I, however, would be lucky to get 50% right. This led me on a journey of humility that connected me to the next chapter of fondness and admiration. I don’t always give him credit for how good of a listener he is. He pays attention to everything. I think I could do better (enter sacrifice) about paying more attention to him. We have 3 children now, and sadly they have taken lead over him. I’m heartbroken by this. I am now more committed than ever to improving my portion of the love-map and making him my number 1 again.

Flowing from these musings came my thoughts on fondness and admiration. I adore my husband like crazy. I didn’t think I was focused on negatives at all, but it is so amazing how just changing your thoughts can change everything. I used to get annoyed at him for getting on my case about leaving our sorted laundry piles on the floor in our closet. I always thought he was being petty…our closet isn’t that big, where else would I put our sorted piles? But changing my perspective this week has been awesome. I had to step over a pile once, and I immediately thought, “Woah! That IS really annoying.” All of a sudden, I had such an admiration for him for putting up with me that I was able to find another place for our sorted laundry piles.

It seems so simple, yet so hard. Why is it so hard to have consistent positive thoughts about our spouse? I’ve always wondered why we treat the people we love the worst. I think this change of mindset can be relationship changing, and I look forward to how it can, and will, improve my relationship with my husband.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse

Dr. John Gottman describes the “4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse” (ways to destroy a marriage) as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When I think about these 4 horsemen, I can't help but also make the connection to the 3 Wolves of Marriage that Elder Hafen spoke of. In my opinion all four horsemen relate back to the wolf of individualism. 

1. Criticism: "a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality." This is Satan's way of making one person feel that their partner isn't good enough. He wants us to find the negative in our spouses. He wins if we focus on our spouse as the problem instead of focusing on the problem itself.
2. Contempt: “The second horseman arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner.” This is classic individualism. It is hard to understand your partner’s feelings if you are only focused on yours. Contempt makes it so the only problem that matters is your own. Or worse, that your problem IS your spouse.
3. Defensiveness: “…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.” There is no humility in being defensive. Satan doesn’t want you to look at yourself and how you could be contributing to a problem. He wants you to think everything is someone else’s fault. Again, an example of individualism.
4. Stonewalling: “The stonewaller acts as though he/she couldn’t care less about what you’re saying.” This is another display of individualism. Acting as if your partner isn’t speaking is very selfish. You are not valuing their input or feelings as valid.

As I think about these two concepts and their connections I can’t help but think how hard Satan is working to destroy our families. He knows the importance of eternal marriages and eternal families and will stop at nothing to make them crumble. As we come to understand how he attacks marriages, we can be better prepared to fortify ourselves against him. It is imperative to be conscientious about protecting our marriages and not letting these 4 horsemen creep in. I have become aware of these tactics in my own marriage. Satan wants me to yell at my husband and be critical of him when things go wrong. I have become more aware of how I am viewing him. I am careful to make sure I am not seeing him AS the problem. I think becoming aware of these signs can help us defeat the attacks from the adversary. 

Another way we can fortify ourselves is by keeping God in our marriages. As we each come closer to Him, we will become closer to each other. We will find the good in our spouses and work together to attack a problem and not our spouses. We will have true humility to see our own contribution to the problem.

Which of the 4 Horsemen do you think is the easiest trap to fall into?

The Wolves of Marriage

Elder Hafen describes marriages three “wolves”. These wolves are just waiting to destroy your marriage. The three wolves are natural adversity, the wolf of your own imperfections, and excessive individualism. The one that I think is the most dangerous is excessive individualism.

Our society has become a very selfish society. I have seen many marriages dissolved over selfishness. Individuals that feel “their needs aren’t being met” seem quick to bolt. Whatever happened to putting the needs of others first? Satan is getting into our marriages by making us feel that our own needs and feelings are more important than the needs and feelings of others.

Money problems can arise from excessive individualism. Large purchases can be made, putting the couple into serious debt, all because one partner “wants it”. Intimacy issues can arise because of excessive individualism. Pornography usage being a HUGE symptom of excessive individualism. I can almost hear the arguments now, “well, you won’t be intimate with me, so I have to turn to pornography to satisfy MY needs.” These are all dangerous paths to go down in a marriage.

Lately I’ve been pondering on “self-care”. I feel our society today is all about “self-care”. I think this is fine to a certain extent, but I also feel it is a slippery slope. Yes, Heavenly Father wants us to take care of our bodies. Yes, we cannot take good care of others if we aren’t first taking care of ourselves (you know, the whole oxygen mask on an airplane spiel). I just feel that a lot of times excessive individualism is written off as “self-care”. A wife that chooses to go out with girlfriends instead of on a date with her husband, calling it “self-care” could become a dangerous habit. A mother that chooses to seclude herself in her room to take long baths and read instead of make dinner for her family, could become a dangerous habit. I am in no way insinuating that these things are bad, I just think they could BECOME bad if self-care becomes so individualized that families suffer.

I have heard that the best way to get yourself out of a funk, a bad mood, or depression is to go out and serve someone. This is becoming a lost value in our society. Instead of looking outside ourselves, we are continually bombarded with the message to “take care of yourself first”. I just feel that this message is beginning to be so widely accepted, that it is leading people down the path of excessive individualism and is harming families. I am going to strive really hard to try to look outside myself to see how I can help others the next time I am feeling the need to “self-care”. I’m betting it is more effective. 

Satan wants us to get wrapped up in ourselves and what “WE” need and want. He doesn’t want us to consider our spouse and children first. I think this is a message we’ve been slowly exposed to and we are becoming like the frog in the warm water that slowly gets turned up until it’s boiling. We can do better. We must do better.