Week 10: My Takeaways

As we conclude our study of Dr. Gottman's book and Brother Goddard's book, I find myself contemplating the main ideas of each of these books. My biggest takeaway from Dr. Gottman's book, 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' was that we can improve our relationships by turning towards, and thinking of, our spouses. My main takeaway from Brother Goddard's book, 'Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage' was that we need to turn towards the Savior to improve ourselves and our marriages. Both of these concepts go against what the world would tell us to do. The world (AKA Satan) wants us to think about ourselves. In fact, Elder Hafen teaches us about 3 wolves that can destroy a marriage. One of those wolves is excessive individualism. This wolf IS Satan's plan. He wants us to care so much about our own needs that we forget about our partner's needs and about the covenants we made with Heavenly Father. 

Dr. John Gottman describes the 7 principles for making marriage work.  They are:

1. Enhance your love maps. 

2. Nurture your fondness and admiration. 

3. Turn toward each other instead of away. 

4. Let your partner influence you. 

5. Solve your solvable problems. 

6. Overcome gridlock.  

7. Create shared meaning. 

I listed those to show that nowhere in his book does he emphasize individualism. Certainly there are things you need and want, and he doesn't say you need to sacrifice these things. But you can't have a happy, successful marriage without thinking of your spouse and their needs and working together to create a life that is yours together. 

Brother Goddard emphasizes the importance of turning to our Heavenly Father in our marriages. When we covenanted with our spouse, we also made a covenant with Him. The book, 'Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage' teaches us how to have a better marriage by making ourselves better. We need to look within and see how we can change. We can be forgiving and have charity. We can see the best in our spouse. We can only do this when we have faith and are willing to submit to our Heavenly Father's will. We can be changed by the Atonement. We can become more like our Savior. This will bless our marriage.

As I think about times in my marriage that have been miserable, I realize those are the times when I am focusing on myself. When my own individualism has become more important than being like my Savior, or thinking about my husband. When I reflect on the best times of my marriage, I think about our hard times. I think about how our trials have turned out to be blessings in our marriage. Those are the times when we truly turn to our Heavenly Father. It is when we've turned to each other and worked together to overcome obstacles. 

Week 9: Anger, Agency, and Repair Attempts

I have been thrilled to learn about repair attempts this semester. Dr. John Gottman describes repair attempts as a "Happy couple's secret weapon". A repair attempt is a way in which a couple tries to put the brakes on an argument, and allows the couple to remember that they like each other as well as love each other. 

Since learning about this concept, I have been aware of the repair attempts that go on in my own marriage. For years I have been telling my husband that he drives me nuts, because I can't ever stay mad at him. He has a way of making me laugh which then makes me forget why I was mad to begin with. I remember how much fun he is and why I fell in love with him to begin with. I used to get frustrated (in a cute way) by this. Now I realize that is his repair method. I have come to love it dearly. It's a good reminder that a lot of times our frustrations just don't matter. What matters is our relationship with our spouse. 

I have noticed that my repair attempts are physical. When I sense his frustrations rising, I like to grab his hand, scratch his head, or give him a hug. I never realized that that's what I was doing. I love having a name for our de-escalation techniques.  

I have come to realize that repair attempts are crucial in a marriage. Not only to have them, but also to be receptive to your partner's attempts. It's a subtle way to say, "I love you, and you are more important than this problem." It reminds me of the quote from President Monson, "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

I think repair attempts also go right along with the spiritual study we did this week on anger and forgiveness. A repair attempt is one way to keep the anger at bay. Nothing good comes from anger. In Elder Robbins talk, "Agency and Anger", he says, "Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but is almost always counterproductive."  A repair attempt helps problem solving stay productive. It also becomes a way to say "I'm sorry" or gives an opportunity to forgive. 

Week 8: Beware of Pride

As I read President Benson's talk, "Beware of Pride" I kept thinking about social media. My son who is 12 has recently decided that he "needs" Instagram. We have been having lots of discussions with him about why he feels he needs it. As we've discussed this with him, it's made me question myself. Why do I NEED social media? I have been reflecting on the purpose of social media. Sure, it is great to reconnect with people from your past and it's fun to see what all your friends are up to, but when I read President Benson's talk, I realized social media frequently becomes a display of pride. He says, "The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. (See D&C 3:6–7 (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.; D&C 30:1–2 (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.; D&C 60:2 (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site..) “What will men think of me?” weighs heavier than “What will God think of me?”  This quote made me think about why I post certain things on social media. I think there is a sense of pride behind almost every post. "Well, I want everyone to see that I'm taking this fabulous trip and they're stuck at home." There's so many reasons that I think lead back to pride. This quote is really going to make me ponder how, and why, I am using social media. Am I more worried about the "likes" from my friends because I'm worried about their judgement? Or am I at peace with the world's judgements and worried about God's judgement?  

Do you think it is ok to be prideful about someone else's accomplishments?  When I think about my marriage I think about how proud I am of my husband. He's such a great man and works so hard. Sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops (or social media) how proud I am of him. What are your thoughts on that?

I have seen pride destroy many families. I am currently watching one be destroyed by pride. I just want to shake these people and tell them to take a hard look at themselves. We read in the Goddard reading this week about how it's so easy to see pride in someone else and so hard to see it in ourselves. How can we help others see that they are being prideful? Is there more we can do than to pray for them?

This year I have been studying the Book of Mormon with the intent to find every reference to pride. I truly think every sin can be traced back to pride. It is a scary thing. We need to be diligent about aligning our will with God's will and worrying about His judgements and not the world's.

Creating Emotional Bonds

D&C 64:33 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

Marriage is great! Creating a life and a family together is great! Is every day going to be rainbows and unicorns? No. How do we create a great life, a great marriage, and a great family? It truly is the small and simple things that can be the difference in a great marriage and a poor marriage.

I love that this scripture advises us to "be not weary in well-doing..."  When I think about doing well, I think about service. When I think about serving others, I think about turning away from my own needs for a while and focusing on someone else's needs. Or, in other words, turning toward someone else. Making a marriage great requires turning toward your spouse. 

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work John Gottman emphasizes turning toward your spouse as one of the Seven Principles. Turning toward each other is a way in which couples connect that builds trust. I think this completely connects to the scripture in my opening. Turning toward your spouse is a simple thing you can do each day that helps build the groundwork for something great. 

We need to be aware of our spouse's "bids" for attention. I think "bidding" is kind of fun. Sometimes I am stressed or just need a little attention, so I will lean my head into my husbands cheek. When I do this he kisses me on the forehead. We have just turned to each other and found a simple way to strengthen our bond. My husband's bids aren't quite as obvious as mine. His are more subtle, but I know that when he tells me about something tough he's going through at work, it's a bid. I am careful to put down whatever can be deemed as a distraction and look at him while he vents. I usually try to find a way to help him or solve his problem. John Gottman gives advice on how to handle a spouse that is angry or frustrated. He advises that you DON'T try to solve their problem, but that you just listen and always be on their side.

I tried this the other day when my husband was venting, and it was amazing how close I felt to him. I could tell his stress was melting away just by having someone on his side. 

I want to be vigilant about working to meet my husband's bids and to fill our "emotional bank". I know that the simple gestures (Turning toward) go a long way and truly are laying a groundwork for greatness in our marriage. 

Cherishing your spouse

As I pondered the readings this week and the challenge to see the positive in my spouse, I will admit, I was a little prideful. I thought, “Well, I already do that. I don’t focus on the negative.” It’s interesting how the Spirit can teach us and humble us if we let it.

The concept of a love-map was new and interesting to me. I found it fascinating, yet irrelevant to me. I’ve been married for 16 years, and I didn’t think there was anything I didn’t know about my husband. I was truly humbled as I read the questions in some of the activities. I am almost certain that my husband could correctly answer 99% of those about me. I, however, would be lucky to get 50% right. This led me on a journey of humility that connected me to the next chapter of fondness and admiration. I don’t always give him credit for how good of a listener he is. He pays attention to everything. I think I could do better (enter sacrifice) about paying more attention to him. We have 3 children now, and sadly they have taken lead over him. I’m heartbroken by this. I am now more committed than ever to improving my portion of the love-map and making him my number 1 again.

Flowing from these musings came my thoughts on fondness and admiration. I adore my husband like crazy. I didn’t think I was focused on negatives at all, but it is so amazing how just changing your thoughts can change everything. I used to get annoyed at him for getting on my case about leaving our sorted laundry piles on the floor in our closet. I always thought he was being petty…our closet isn’t that big, where else would I put our sorted piles? But changing my perspective this week has been awesome. I had to step over a pile once, and I immediately thought, “Woah! That IS really annoying.” All of a sudden, I had such an admiration for him for putting up with me that I was able to find another place for our sorted laundry piles.

It seems so simple, yet so hard. Why is it so hard to have consistent positive thoughts about our spouse? I’ve always wondered why we treat the people we love the worst. I think this change of mindset can be relationship changing, and I look forward to how it can, and will, improve my relationship with my husband.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse

Dr. John Gottman describes the “4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse” (ways to destroy a marriage) as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When I think about these 4 horsemen, I can't help but also make the connection to the 3 Wolves of Marriage that Elder Hafen spoke of. In my opinion all four horsemen relate back to the wolf of individualism. 

1. Criticism: "a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality." This is Satan's way of making one person feel that their partner isn't good enough. He wants us to find the negative in our spouses. He wins if we focus on our spouse as the problem instead of focusing on the problem itself.
2. Contempt: “The second horseman arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner.” This is classic individualism. It is hard to understand your partner’s feelings if you are only focused on yours. Contempt makes it so the only problem that matters is your own. Or worse, that your problem IS your spouse.
3. Defensiveness: “…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.” There is no humility in being defensive. Satan doesn’t want you to look at yourself and how you could be contributing to a problem. He wants you to think everything is someone else’s fault. Again, an example of individualism.
4. Stonewalling: “The stonewaller acts as though he/she couldn’t care less about what you’re saying.” This is another display of individualism. Acting as if your partner isn’t speaking is very selfish. You are not valuing their input or feelings as valid.

As I think about these two concepts and their connections I can’t help but think how hard Satan is working to destroy our families. He knows the importance of eternal marriages and eternal families and will stop at nothing to make them crumble. As we come to understand how he attacks marriages, we can be better prepared to fortify ourselves against him. It is imperative to be conscientious about protecting our marriages and not letting these 4 horsemen creep in. I have become aware of these tactics in my own marriage. Satan wants me to yell at my husband and be critical of him when things go wrong. I have become more aware of how I am viewing him. I am careful to make sure I am not seeing him AS the problem. I think becoming aware of these signs can help us defeat the attacks from the adversary. 

Another way we can fortify ourselves is by keeping God in our marriages. As we each come closer to Him, we will become closer to each other. We will find the good in our spouses and work together to attack a problem and not our spouses. We will have true humility to see our own contribution to the problem.

Which of the 4 Horsemen do you think is the easiest trap to fall into?

The Wolves of Marriage

Elder Hafen describes marriages three “wolves”. These wolves are just waiting to destroy your marriage. The three wolves are natural adversity, the wolf of your own imperfections, and excessive individualism. The one that I think is the most dangerous is excessive individualism.

Our society has become a very selfish society. I have seen many marriages dissolved over selfishness. Individuals that feel “their needs aren’t being met” seem quick to bolt. Whatever happened to putting the needs of others first? Satan is getting into our marriages by making us feel that our own needs and feelings are more important than the needs and feelings of others.

Money problems can arise from excessive individualism. Large purchases can be made, putting the couple into serious debt, all because one partner “wants it”. Intimacy issues can arise because of excessive individualism. Pornography usage being a HUGE symptom of excessive individualism. I can almost hear the arguments now, “well, you won’t be intimate with me, so I have to turn to pornography to satisfy MY needs.” These are all dangerous paths to go down in a marriage.

Lately I’ve been pondering on “self-care”. I feel our society today is all about “self-care”. I think this is fine to a certain extent, but I also feel it is a slippery slope. Yes, Heavenly Father wants us to take care of our bodies. Yes, we cannot take good care of others if we aren’t first taking care of ourselves (you know, the whole oxygen mask on an airplane spiel). I just feel that a lot of times excessive individualism is written off as “self-care”. A wife that chooses to go out with girlfriends instead of on a date with her husband, calling it “self-care” could become a dangerous habit. A mother that chooses to seclude herself in her room to take long baths and read instead of make dinner for her family, could become a dangerous habit. I am in no way insinuating that these things are bad, I just think they could BECOME bad if self-care becomes so individualized that families suffer.

I have heard that the best way to get yourself out of a funk, a bad mood, or depression is to go out and serve someone. This is becoming a lost value in our society. Instead of looking outside ourselves, we are continually bombarded with the message to “take care of yourself first”. I just feel that this message is beginning to be so widely accepted, that it is leading people down the path of excessive individualism and is harming families. I am going to strive really hard to try to look outside myself to see how I can help others the next time I am feeling the need to “self-care”. I’m betting it is more effective. 

Satan wants us to get wrapped up in ourselves and what “WE” need and want. He doesn’t want us to consider our spouse and children first. I think this is a message we’ve been slowly exposed to and we are becoming like the frog in the warm water that slowly gets turned up until it’s boiling. We can do better. We must do better.